Post 4: Food

God this monster we call food. It has hounded me throughout my entire life. Bad food, bad habits, overeating, sugar, and addiction. So, now I see that my universe reflects the fractal whole of my society. I am not alone in my food habits, we are fat, we make bad choices, we are being fed poison. How do I release my addictions to food? How do I let go of my judgement on myself and others for my and their food choices? How do I erase the slate?

I have done the research I know what I should be eating and what I should not be eating. I have experimented on my own body by going to a Raw Vegan diet for 6 weeks. This diet worked for me 100%, I lost weight and felt great. Yet, I have self-sabotaged that and continue to struggle to loose weight and change habits and addictions. The time for excuses needs to end for myself and everyone else.

(not sure where I am going with this post, will come back to it later.)

Post 3: Chaotic Stasis

I am currently experiencing a stasis in my life. I am fairly certain it is self-inflicted. I continue to make unhealthy decisions, simply because I fear to succeed at my goals. I have even stopped doing any sort of spiritual practice whatsoever. Everyday I wake up and tell myself,"Hey Self we should do our breathing meditation." In reply I say,"Hey Self, great idea, right after I get done here on the net and some other little things I'll get right to that...."

This particular situation has the feeling of fear niggling behind it. Fear of truly dedicating myself to something. Finally ending the search for spiritual fulfillment. If I just dedicated myself to one particular practice and philosophy everything I have lived my life for will be over, the quest might succeed. The fear is no longer over failure it is a fear of success. I have invested so much of myself in this quest for enlightenment, for spiritual fulfillment, for self-actualization. I do not know who I am without this quest, I want to keep digging for the grail even though I found it long ago.

If any of you have seen the movie "Memento" you might understand, my quest is the main character's John G. He has found and taken his vengeance on John G over and over yet he continues, choosing to delude himself that John G is still out there. Well there is no out there, no more endless quests seeking books and gurus and techniques. I have all the skills I need, all the information, it is all here. All that is left is to take the plunge to surmount my fear and laziness.

I do not know where my life is going, where the wind will blow. All I can do is be, and be prepared. To wait in ecstasy for the next shift in direction. While being who I am in each moment, each breath, and every heart beat. To truly dedicate myself to my own life with no fear, with no need to fulfill any viral programming in my mind.

If the conspiracies are true they will come out in the open at some point, the same with 2012 stuff it all has a point in time which they can be checked to see if any of it was true at all. I for one will not loose myself to the fear of all the stories of the Darkness nor will I get lost in the complacency of waiting for the universe to "fix" things in the next two years. I participate in this vile and evil system everyday I am not free of blame. I am not higher or better than anyone else. The truth is I've led an incredibly privileged life, its time for me to get off my ass.

Post 2 - When towers crumble its best to land with a smile

This particular blog comes from recent personal experience. I wish to talk about our belief structures in the context of the Tower image. I recently began delving into many materials that before I would have deemed total bullshit including, channellings, UFO futurists, Conspiracies, and Psychic predictions about the upcoming 2012 and or consciousness shifts. I got pretty involved in all of this stuff, it began clouding the true journey inward. I had in effect been delving deeply into the outward world that reflected what I wanted in the 2012. But all of this distraction completely removed the spiritual responsibility from my self. I was allowing everyone else to tell me how the world was going be, how my consciousness was going to shift from all these outside factors. And at the height of all this I had gotten pretty excited about all of it, it was an easy ride, sit back and let the aliens take care of things.

This perspective all changed when I read an interview with James from the Wingmakers the ideas presented in this piece literally shook my entire Tower I have been designing and living in over the last decade. It challenged everything I believed in down to the tiniest beliefs. I still don't know where I stand on anything now that my tower lays crumbled at my feet and I lay beside it staring out at the stars. But it has given the direction to truly make the dedicated effort to seeking only inwardly while still enjoying the experience of life.

This I believe could truly be the meaning of life, at least the meaning for me. I am making the "effort" to stop seeking gurus, yogis, spiritual books, channelers, psychics, for anything other than personal enjoyment. That all my spiritual growth and understanding can only come from the teacher that is within, something that doesn't need be translated from one set of lips to another's ears. It is my story told to me as I ask for it. It is the beauty I have hidden away until asked for. I cannot ask myself when I am screaming at the world for answers.

As a side note, as intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally that I feel jostled or confused I have enjoyed a greater amount of awareness of support of nature in my life. Leading to more smiles and more enjoyment of this crazy mad life. So I say, be prepared for your world to shatter and for new ones to appear. Be ready with gratitude and a smile.

Post 1 - Self - Help and Selfishness

Some would say to be selfish is wrong or negative. I think to be truly altruistic you must be selfish. You must realize to help others you must help yourself. You cannot go to people who are starving and force food down their throats, they must want the food from you. If for example they did not trust you or you are in a "lower" state of consciousness or awareness then they might not eat the food that you give them, out fear or of further suffering. However, if you are at a state where on a personal and conscious level of being nearly impossible not to trust, even if the other person is in a "lower" or fear based awareness they will open up more to charitable action. This is rather besides the point of selfishness, but I felt it should be explained to set the context of the overall message.

Being Selfish in a conscious way is in no way negative. You are coming from a mindset or being that understands there is no real difference between yourself and the person you are helping, except your awareness and perception of them. So by helping others you are in fact helping your overall higher self or most whole self. That by giving food to the starving man you are indeed feeding yourself. On a less subtle level this can be seen as feeding farmers, because in turn they will feed you. This definitely could be taken in the negative by greedy or avaristic people, because they do not realize they helping the whole are helping themselves, however they are are not interested in helping the whole. They are in fact, coming from a sense of separateness and lack, therefore they end up starving themselves and everyone else, even as they attempt to indulge in the gluttony of reality.

This can also been seen when you attempt help someone and they want no part of it. You must treat yourself, it is an inner work. Once it is understood on a experiential level that the inner creates the outer there is no way to treat the outer but through the inner. Saying, that if you want to help the consciousness or even the physical state of others you yourself must be in a sense fully healed. This is explain fairly deeply in the "Course in Miracles" the concept is one of the unhealed healer, for example ( even though this is rather common ) it doesn't make much sense for a schizophrenic psychologist to treat other schizophrenics. You need to have someone who is truly of sound mind help treat others through themselves.

This is a very difficult and I struggle with this concept and its implementation often, I constantly wish to treat the symptoms, the effect at the level of the physical or gross level world. I do not have the patience or necessarily the discipline to look only within to find what is causing the true issue. When I see problems in the world I want to find their solutions in the world, but it goes back to not wanting to be treated by a crazy doctor while you yourself are insane. If the problems started within the world, perhaps it is time to look for otherworldly solutions.